Humor

This is a "what if" golf story -

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now the real "what if" in this story . . .

What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?

GOLFOLOGY

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
No golfer ever played too fast.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.
Any change works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
The rake is always in the other bunker.
The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
The rough will be mowed tomorrow.
The ball always comes to rest where the flag stick was yesterday.
It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
Out of bounds is always on the right, for right-handed golfers.
The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.
No one with funny head covers ever broke par (except for Tiger Woods).
The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.
Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.
If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it's probably because you're not aiming at anything.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can't learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that.

ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt, for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel... Keep this in mind.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs, if you are performing brain surgery!

PGA Rule Changes for Seniors The AARP has negotiated with the PGA to modify the Rules of Golf for seniors:
Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6(b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is Simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior Player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had Not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or Near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone Else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by Charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have Dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may Be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf Course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior Golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should Float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new Golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior Golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls...

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
# 9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
# 8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
# 7... Foursomes are encouraged.
# 6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
# 5... Three times a day is possible.
# 4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
# 3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
# 2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
and the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...
# 1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

A GOLFERS POEM

In my hand I hold a ball, white and dimpled, rather small.
Oh, how bland it does appear, this harmless looking little sphere.

By it's size I could not guess, the awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath its spell, I've wandered through the fires of hell.

My life has not been quite the same, since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end, a fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me yell, curse and cry; I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called par, if I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses, and does exactly as it chooses.

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies, and even disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim, to hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land, it finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul, if only it would find the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup, and swear that I will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow, but the ball knows... I'll be back tomorrow.

A businessman named Dave was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," Dave said, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

Dave was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap.

The caddy picked up Dave's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, Dave duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, Dave's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. Dave's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water.

To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."

That is why you should never lie about your handicap.

American Golfer

A great statistic...

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud, don't it.

The Gospel According to St. Titleist

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
          … Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
          … John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
          … Robert Lynd

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
          … Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
          … Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
          … Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
          … William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
          … Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
          … Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
          … Bishop Sheen

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
          … Arnold Palmer

My handicap? Woods and irons.
          … Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
          … Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!
          … Buddy Hackett

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
          … Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
          … Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
          … Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
          … Harry Vardon

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.
          … Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
          … Ben Hogan

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
          … All Us Hackers

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
          … George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
          … Lee Trevino

One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

"Throw me my 7-iron," Jim shouts back. "I just realized you can't get out of here with an 8-iron!"

Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

The old farmer had a large pond in the back,  fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts,  along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy  decided to go down to the pond and look it over.  He hadn't been there for a  while.  He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in  his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,  "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did  not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get  out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to  feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

An actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Golf Observations...

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ...for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that is why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and cuss if you are performing brain surgery.